I’m a Three Decker Sauerkraut and Toadstool Sandwich… With Arsenic Sauce

December 18, 2014 Holidays, Personal 53

Merry Grinchmas, Bookworms!

I’ve had a post percolating for a while now and I’m afraid it’s about to boil over. Before I start, I should mention that this post is meant to be lighthearted and silly. If you’re overly attached to “pop” Christmas songs, you may want to skip this, because I’m putting on my heckling pants. (You should probably mentally play “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” whilst reading this as it is appropriate mood music.) And now, I shall eviscerate a selection of holiday songs that get on my last nerve…

grinch gif

Holiday Music Complaint The First: Why is “My Favorite Things” considered a Christmas song?! It is not at all about Christmas. It’s about distracting children from a thunderstorm. Sure it mentions a few winter-related things, but The Sound of Music takes place in the Austrian mountains, they have snow like 10 months a year probably (I am terrible at knowing the weather conditions of places I don’t live.) Raindrops on roses? That’s springtime, y’all. Whiskers on kittens? That’s always. Cream colored ponies? Everybody loves a pony regardless of season. I’m calling shenanigans on whomever put this into heavy rotation on Christmas radio stations. Hmph.



Holiday Music Complaint The Second: Do They Know It’s Christmas” was originally produced in 1984 to raise money for an African famine. I get that, and YES, FEED THE WORLD. But. The song is, at best, melodramatic, and at worst, imperialistic. “There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time.” Well there won’t be snow in Florida either, but I don’t hear anybody griping about THAT. “Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?” Well, you’ve got a 50/50 shot on that. According to my very scientific Wikipedia research, only about 45% of Africa is Christian. There’s a fair chance that the remaining 55% of the population DOESN’T know it’s Christmas time and really doesn’t give a figgy pudding. Why would they need to know it’s Christmas if they don’t celebrate the holiday? Also, “the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom”? We’ve turned the corner into teenage dramatics there. “Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.”That’s kind of a dickhead way to tell someone to count their blessings… Thumbs down, Band Aid.


Holiday Music Complaint The Third: This one gives me pause, because it’s catchy and I kind of dig it. That is, I DID kind of dig it until I really paid attention to the words. It’s time to face the facts, people. “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is the holiday jingle of sexual assault! Dude relentlessly tries to persuade date to stay in his home using such classic creepster phrasing such as, “What’s the sense in hurting my pride?” and “Think of my lifelong sorrow if you got pneumonia and died.” Really, dude? You’re trying to scare your lady into staying by threatening deadly infection? When that fails, though, ply her with alcohol. “Say, what’s in this drink?” Roofies, probably. Get out of there, girl! “The answer is no.” NO MEANS NO, DEAN MARTIN! Maybe just a cigarette more…” Nooooo! Now we’re promoting date rape AND tobacco usage?!

Now that I’ve proven that my heart is indeed two sizes too small, I could use some company (aside from Office Beagle, who has been eyeing me dubiously since I mentioned the idea of strapping antlers to his noggin.) Are there any holiday songs that annoy the sugarplums out of you, Bookworms?

*If you make a purchase through a link on this site, I will receive a small commission.*

53 Responses to “I’m a Three Decker Sauerkraut and Toadstool Sandwich… With Arsenic Sauce”

  1. Heather

    I am not a fan of xmas music in general. Ashley has been listening to Bing Crosby’s White Christmas CD since the week before Thanksgiving, and I have had enough of the Andrew sisters. Hell, I’d had enough of them on the second day. Sigh. I don’t like the cold, I don’t like snow, and I don’t need to hear people singing about it and rubbing it all in. Give me a green, palm-tree xmas. For real. Bah humbug. (Not a fan of consumer holidays, either, really.)

    • Words For Worms

      I am a bit of a Christmas junkie, but I prefer my carols to be old school. I could do without snow, too, but I’ve never thought of the snow songs as rubbing it in. Now I will. Grrrr snow songs!

  2. bhalsop

    I absolutely abhor “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” Too cute for words, obnoxious melody, and disabusing small kids of the notion of bliss between Mommy and Daddy. I love the carols (a hold over from my long ago youth when I went to protestant churches)that we only sing at UU on Christmas Eve. But other than that, Christmas music is generally appalling.

  3. Amy @ Read a Latte

    I love this! I don’t like these songs either, but I think the worst Christmas songs are Merry Christmas (War is Over) … does it EVER END? And Christmas Shoes. Nothing says Christmas like sobbing in the middle of the mall.

    • Words For Worms

      That one ALMOST made the list! That bugs the crap out of me almost as much as the Band Aid song. Why did anybody ever let Yoko sing? Also, I have a pair of Christmas shoes. They’re candy cane striped Chuck Taylors and I feel like hurling them at the dude singing that damn Christmas Shoe song and telling him that mine are jolly and he should SHUT UP!

  4. Ashley Z

    Oh, I love this post so much! Working in retail, we get an endless array of holiday musical arrangements that are guaranteed to make your heart grow cold this lovely holiday season. I cannot stand the pop ballads! Jessica Simpson and Mariah Carey all trying to be festive. … shut up! It’s so cheesy!
    I do enjoy my Rat Pack Christmas and Frank Sinatra Christmas albums. The classier the better!

    • Words For Worms

      I get really really annoyed with the pop stars start in on “Oh Holy Night.” That is the most beautiful carol and they RUIN IT with their stupid vocal runs and whatnot. GAH! (I do generally like Rat Pack Christmas stuff, except when Dean Martin gets rape-y.)

  5. Joules (from Pocketful of Joules)

    Christmas shoes makes me want to kick a puppy… I hate it THAT much. Baby it’s cold outside just makes me giggle because of how different things were then… now it sounds like a Bye Filepe entry (if you don’t know what that is, please check their Instagram and be thankful you’re married!)

    I’ve always been partial to the Kenny Rodgers and Dolly Parton Christmas CD, because when I was a kid my mom loved it. =)

  6. Megan M.

    “Baby It’s Cold Outside” – the struggle is real. It’s my husband’s absolute fave Christmas song and I know it’s meant to be playful, but it is so, so rapey. The “what’s in this drink?” line kills me! Aargh!

    Have you heard “Christmas Shoes”? It is so awful and manipulative that it makes me want to murder someone. It’s literally the worst.

  7. yami

    Holiday complaint 2b. I live in Africa (Nigeria) Yes we do know it is Christmas because, DJs the world over have to play Christmas music. The question that remains unanswered remains. Do they know that we are in Africa? Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell every Nigerian radio station and caroling caroler that songs about snow, ‘do not compute’ Seriously!

  8. TJ @ MyBookStrings

    I don’t like the Christmas Shoes song, but I dislike Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer even more. Actually, it’s not so much Rudolph or the song itself that I don’t like, it’s the other reindeer. I don’t believe for a minute that they all suddenly love Rudolph only because Santa lets him guide the sleigh. You know that if it hadn’t been foggy on that one Christmas Eve, they wouldn’t have given Rudolph another thought. And all of the sudden they are all friends? I don’t buy it!

  9. Melinda

    I have 2:

    First off is the John Lennon song “Happy Christmas, War is Over.” I will admit that my hatred of this song is purely asthetic–IT HAS NO TUNE! Call me old fashioned, but I like my carols singable.

    The second is “Santa Baby.” What a horrible, materialistic song! Plus the baby voice going on with it is firmly in the creepy territory….blech!

      • Christine @ Moonlight Reader

        I was going to post this one! I hate Santa Baby with the passion of a thousand burning suns. It makes me want to vomit and throw something – simultaneously.

        I will, however, confess that I love the Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McLachlan mash-up of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and We Three Kings.

  10. Loralie

    A million times yes to that Band Aid song. It always comes across as so patronizing to me. Personally I can’t stand All I Want For Christmas Is You because it is played like every 5 minutes. Ugh. This is the first year I have heard people talk about how rapey Baby It’s Cold Outside is. The “what’s in this drink” line is awful, but I guess since I only really like the Etta James version I always just pictured a woman in the 1950’s who wants to stay with her bf but knows people will talk. The fact that I was a naive teen when I first heard it might havesomething to do with that impression though. 😉

    • Words For Worms

      LOL my brother-in-law loves “All I Want for Christmas is You” and it cracks me up because he’s like 6’3 with a beard and Mr. Sports dude and THAT is his song. I think my tolerance for it has risen just because it reminds me of him.

  11. Kelly

    As soon as I started reading this, I thought, “I hope she mentions how rapey Baby It’s Cold Outside is.” AAAAHHHHH!!!

    I also don’t like the Paul McCartney one…simply having a wonderful Christmas time? It has like, no lyrics. Just a chorus over and over. Annoying!

    I am so glad no one here has panned the one by Wham! though. That song is amazeballs.

  12. Sarah @ Sarah Says Read

    LOL. “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is rape-y… I admit though, it’s one of my favorites :/ I KNOW I shouldn’t like it, but it’s so dang catchy… Ugh.

    • Words For Worms

      It is difficult to resist, despite the lyrics. If you’re in the right mindset, I could see it as a flirty song as opposed to full on rapey. But man, I had to heckle it. Had to.

  13. Trish

    Bahahahaha!!! Love this. THOUGH I was listening to She and Him Christmas the other day and Zooey Deschanel actually sings the man’s part of Baby It’s Cold. A little subversion! 😉

    I’m with Kelly–I HATE the Paul McCartney. Ick.

    • Words For Worms

      I mean, that song would be kind of funny if they didn’t KILL GRANDMA. Grandma gets drunk = funny. Reindeer going rogue = funny. Funeral at Christmas?! Not funny! Couldn’t she just have gotten a few bruises? Sheesh!

  14. Jennine G.

    Yes! I actually listened to “Baby it’s Cold Outside” this year and thought the same exact thing! I know I would be considered heartless if I spoke more of the song that I can’t stand at Christmas: The Christmas Shoes. About the boy buying a pair of shoes for his mom on Christmas Eve because she’s sick and going to die and he wants her to be happy and pretty when she goes. I understand it’s supposed to be touching, but what the heck does it have to do with Christmas?! How depressing!

  15. Belle Wong

    This is hilarious! Around here they don’t seem to play My Favourite Things on the Christmas playlist. But Do They a Know It’s Christmas! I never really listened to the actual lyrics. Didn’t think about how imperialistic it is until now. And Baby It’s Cold Outside – I don’t think I’ve ever really paid any attention to the lyrics. That song will never sound the same to me again!

  16. Catherine

    Don’t know the title but anything sung by chipmunks makes me apeshit. And I’m not fond of the one about the grandmother being run over by a reindeer. WTF?

    Yes, I’m grinchy. Keep the Christmas songs old and traditional and STAY OFF OF MY LAWN.

  17. Leah @ Books Speak Volumes

    Oh god, I hate Do They Know It’s Christmas so much, for the reasons you describe. It’s so condescending, and I don’t like how it implies that Christmas is a thing EVERYONE in the world SHOULD care about. And the lyrics are just BAD.

    I do like Baby It’s Cold Outside, though. Yeah, the “Say, what’s in this drink” line doesn’t sound so good, but I think we’re too eager to cry “date rape.” It sounds like she really WANTS to stay but knows her reputation will be damaged if she does.

    To add a Christmas song gripe, Last Christmas by Wham drives me nuts. The lines “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special” bug me. Like, I’m pretty sure he THOUGHT last year’s lady was special, or he wouldn’t have given her his heart in the first place. She WAS special, until she broke his heart. What makes him think he’ll do a better job picking a lady this year? Also, it doesn’t really have anything to do with Christmas. The lyric could just have easily been “Last Tuesday I gave you my heart.”

    • Words For Worms

      I think “Last Tuesday I gave you my heart” is my new favorite phrase. I’m going to start using it and then sprinkling Taylor Swift lyrics into conversation. Mostly to freak people out.

  18. Jenny @ Reading the End

    I’m with Leah! I can see how you would hear “Baby It’s Cold Outside” that way, but it always sounds fun and flirty to me — they BOTH want her to stay and have sex, they both know their town is conservative, so they’re providing cover for what they both know they both want to do. They’re flirting. He’s giving her all the excuses she’ll need when people try to step to her with their slut shaming.

  19. Rory

    This is the best!

    So, I really, really hate ‘Santa Baby” and, to be honest, most other Christmas songs. My sons love Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas music and it makes me want to walk around the house in ear plugs.

    • Words For Worms

      Hahaha! I actually like the Chipmunks, they were my favorites as a kid. I have no idea how it’s possible they don’t irritate me, but they don’t. Strange world.

  20. Jennifer @ The Relentless Reader

    I have low tolerance for Christmas music of any sort, to be honest. I think that stems from having it shoved down my throat starting in October? I don’t know for sure.

    This post made me nod and laugh and nod some more, love it! I misread Dean Martin as Dean Martini and I thought you were poking fun at his penchant for drink and I laughed and laughed 😉

Talk to me, Bookworms!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.