We are gathered here today so I can make my case for being the Florist/Flower Girl for the online wedding of Lyssa of Psychobabble and Shirtless Ryan Gosling. I used to work in a flower shop, and while they only let me wash buckets and answer phones, I’m TOTALLY QUALIFIED to be an online wedding florist.
People always assume that all little girls get the opportunity to be a flower girl at some point in their lives. I’m here to tell you that THEY ARE WRONG. I was never a flower girl. It’s a travesty. Feast your eyes on 5-year-old me:
Obviously I’m not over this slight. I need this for my mental health and well being, damnit! Let’s begin. Lyssa and Ryan have chosen to have a jungle theme for their botanical elements. This is incredibly lucky, because what I really want to portray in this wedding is RAMPANT FECUNDITY. When couples marry, they are encouraged by society to, in the immortal words of Ross from Friends, “consummate like bunnies.” With this in mind, I have chosen antherium for Lyssa’s bouquet with an orchid boutonierre for Ryan.
In addition to the pornographic florals, I’ve decided to create an extra feature that will not only compliment the theme, but also protect the wedding party from Zombie attack. That’s right. The perimeter of the venue will be surrounded by tiger pits! I will have trenches dug, much in the way one would dig a moat. However, a moat would be USELESS because Zombies DON’T BREATHE and are therefore impervious to water barriers. The pits will be filled with bamboo spikes! Bamboo is the epitome of jungle-ness, and it’s also really sharp. Those spears will impale any marauding herds of the undead while allowing the guests to party unscathed. (There will be retractable walkways so no guests are accidentally impaled… Unless you get REALLY mad at your drunk uncle…)
Instead of tossing rice or blowing bubbles for Lyssa and Ryan’s grand exit, the guests will instead line up and create an archway for the couple to walk through with their party favors. You guessed it! The party favors are MACHETES! A necessity in both the jungle and the Zombie Apocalypse. I can guarantee there’s not a mason jar project on Pinterest that can compete with a freaking machete.
I’m not JUST the florist, remember? I’m also the flower girl, because the universe conspired against me and WASTED my childhood cuteness on ballet lessons. Ugh. Anyway. I’ve chosen the most SPECTACULAR dress, that fits the jungle theme perfectly:
I implore you, dear readers, please leave a comment to let Lyssa know that I’m the right choice for all her flower needs! I’m a whirling dervish of flowers, tulle, and general bad-assery. Help me achieve my dreams!
Now, Shirtless Ryan Gosling, you may kiss the Flower Girl. Wait, I mean… No. I meant that. I really did.