Tag: Confession Friday

Sep 06

Confession Friday: I am a Sweaty Beast

Confession Friday 38

What’s Shaking, Bookworms?

I feel like sharing embarrassing truths with you today. TO THE CONFESSIONAL!

I sweat like a 70 year old man running a marathon in a bear costume. I’m going to go ahead and blame Dad for this genetic foible (along with the prematurely graying hair…) It’s weird because I’m not one of those people who are always warm. Most of the time, I’m Little Miss Cardigan catching a chill from the air conditioning.

The thing is though, when I do get warm, or do, say 3 minutes of cardio, get out the umbrellas, because it’s raining Katie sweat. I seriously gross myself out. It’s not just normal person workout sweat. I take a pilates class and I am consistently the only one who is dripping sweat by the end of it. It’s not even a class full of perfectly fit 22 year old girls… There are other women my age, middle aged women, and even a couple of older dudes. I out-sweat a 70 year old man on the regular. Because, you know, that’s totally something to brag about.

Sweaty Award

I have probably mentioned at some point that when I dream, they’re almost exclusively anxiety dreams (we can blame Mom for that little gift from the gene pool.) One of my most frequent dreams is that the powers that be have somehow nullified my high school diploma and I have to go back to school (because having a bachelor’s degree is just not good enough to prove my knowledge of high school things?) The class I have to take over and over again is Phys Ed. Of course.  I’m pretty sure it’s out of vogue, but the ONLY thing I LIKED about my high school gym classes was the fact that they were segregated. Girls in one class, boys in the other. It’s bad enough to be forced to run laps around a gym for 20 minutes at a time, it’s a special form of torture to have to do it, in all your sweat raining glory, in front of boys. Thank God for small favors, amiright?!

Does anybody else want to admit to being gross and stinky so I don’t feel all alone as I wring buckets o’ sweat out of my t-shirts?

Divider

Aug 30

Confession Friday: I Had to Google "Twerking"

Humor 50

Hey there Bookworms!

Happy Friday! It’s been a while since I’ve hit the confessional, so I thought I’d clue y’all in to how utterly out of touch and uncool I truly am. All week everyone has been talking about the MTV Video Music Awards (VMAs, for anyone that’s even more out of touch than I am.) I did not watch the VMAs. I was folding laundry, reading books about nuclear war, and going to bed at a reasonable hour. It was only thanks to the internet I knew anything about Miley Cyrus’s antics. A starlet acting out for attention is not interesting to me… But… What in the sam heck is this “twerking” all the kids are talking about?

I shall now don the dunce cap of the culturally ignorant. (Image Source)

I shall now don the dunce cap of the culturally ignorant. (Image Source)

I HAD TO GOOGLE TWERKING. I figured it was a dance move, but I was expecting it to look… different. I thought the term “twerk” was born of the combination of “tweak” and “jerk.” Thanks to having read Under the Dome by Stephen King, I feel like I know a little something about the effects of Meth on the human body… And since taking a hit of Meth is sometimes called “tweaking” and people who are super stoned do weird things, like, say, have muscle spasms, it made sense to me. What I couldn’t figure out was how this move was supposed to be attractive since I was picturing something more akin to an involuntary twitch of the head and shoulders… Turns out? “Twerk” just another name for pelvic thrusting/booty shaking. I was a little disappointed to learn I was wrong and that popular dance wasn’t moving in a completely bizarre direction. Like that scene from Can’t Buy Me Love when Patrick Dempsey is a nerd and gets his moves from a PBS documentary instead of Soul Train? (The fact that I just referenced a movie made in 1987 only proves that I am as “hip” and “with it” as your average 90 year old.)

In other news, I wrote a guest post today for the lovely Lauren over at Books, Tea, and Me. It’s about books that make me laugh, and there’s totally a Mary Poppins reference, so you obviously should go and read it. CLICKETY CLICK HERE

Divider

Mar 08

Confession Friday: I Brag About Outwitting my 13 Year Old Cousin

Confession Friday, Family, Humor, Personal, Uncategorized 39

Happy Friday, Bookworms!

It’s been a while, but it’s time to ready the confessional: I take an inordinate amount of pride in having beaten my 13 year old cousin in a battle of wits. You like personal stories, right? No? TOO BAD.

When my dad was about 15, he was attending high school at a seminary because he thought he wanted to be a Catholic priest when he grew up. (Obviously, given my existence, that isn’t the path he chose, but I digress.) My dad was MORTIFIED to learn that he would soon be getting a new sibling. Even 15 year old boys who think they want to be priests know good and well where babies come from, you know? My dad’s only other sibling had arrived before he was old enough to understand the birds and the bees. This is a long way of explaining why I, age 29 (still, but just barely), have a pair of cute as a button full on genetically bona fide first cousins that are 13 and 11 (it’s because my uncle is waaaay younger than my dad, see?)

Adam (the elder of the baby cousins) was born when I was 16. I took a day off of my first real job (working concessions at a movie theater) so I could attend his baptism. The whole time my aunt was pregnant, I insisted on referring to the baby as “Bunny.” When we found out he was going to be a boy, I was undeterred, then calling him “my Bunny Boy.” My extended family lives out of state, so I don’t see them often. About a year ago, my cousin Adam got himself a Facebook page. (Don’t turn him in- I KNOW the youngest age for Facebook is 14 or something- don’t be a bloghole.)

Anyway. Since Adam has gotten a Facebook page I’ve gotten to know him, digitally. This kid is such a smart ass- it’s fantastic. I take ALL THE CREDIT for his snarky eyebrows. He likes to send me messages containing puns and then we battle to out-pun each other. He usually wins, he’s far more practiced (also, I imagine, more adept at internet CHEATING.) A few weeks back, however, I won and it was GLORIOUS.

We have a similar "question mark" face...

We have a similar “question mark” face…

This painful exchange occurred. Be warned, this reads like consecutive Laffy Taffy jokes:

Adam: Animal Puns! You ready?! Alpaca your things so we can leave!

Katie: I don’t think I have the necessary koala-fications to compete with you.

Adam: You’re frogging right you don’t!

Katie: That’s irr-elephant!

Adam: You’re giraffing me crazy.

Katie: This is getting hawk-ward.

Adam: Let minnow when you’re read to forfeit.

Katie: You’re lion to yourself if you think I’ll give up!

Adam: I’m not going to worm out if that’s what you think.

Katie: That’s not so much a pun as an expression… (Says the girl who is running out of ideas…) WAIT! I-DEERS! “I’m running out of I-DEERS!” I WIN! HA!

I then went on to shout my victory from the mountaintops of Facebook. Adam has contested my supremacy, claiming that I was undeserving… Considering this win was isolated and I’ll probably lose the next five battles, I’m still counting it! (Is anybody else glad they didn’t have a Facebook page at 13? I mean, I didn’t have any significantly older and irrefutably delightful cousins to pun with, but my 13 year old self was a nightmare. Pretty glad Adam didn’t inherit THAT.)

Adam, buddy. Be careful what you put out there, mmmkay? You can’t take back anything you say in a hormonal rage the heat of the moment once it’s out on the internet. Trust me on this one, Bunny Boy. Also. Don’t do drugs. Sorry to go all “after school special” on you, but I feel like i need to impart WISDOM and that’s all I’ve got. Please tell your little sister that I will happily pun with her once she’s old enough for Facebook. I’m an equal opportunity AWESOME cousin.

XOXO,

Katie

Divider