Hidey Ho, Bookworms!
I’m quite certain I’ve mentioned this before, but in case you missed it, I became an aunt again about a month ago. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law welcomed the sweetest baby girl in the history of baby girls. (This is empirically proven, of course, I wouldn’t feed you biased data.) Since our little Emma-Saurus arrived, a punch drunk series of texts have occurred… There’s a strong possibility that these exchanges are amusing only to us, but what the heck? I’m willing to share the nonsensical love. Both my husband and my brother-in-law are named Jim. As is my father in law. Not to mention the cousins. Because of course. Hence, my BIL is referred to as “New Guy” (since he is the newest Jim in the family, and probably always will be. Unless they give us a nephew one day…) We call him “New Guy” to his face and put it on his birthday cake and stuff. I’d go into more detail on the Jim situation, but I know I’ll never top the speech I gave at Jenny and New Guy’s wedding on the subject so I’m just gonna drop the mic right here and get into the text-versation.
*A teensy bit of context here. Emma has a stuffed sheep that doubles as a sound machine. His name is Sherman. She has a penchant for knocking him over. It’s probably accidental, as she’s like a month old and flails around on her little play mat, but it seems like she has it out for him. Without further ado…*
Jenny: Emma Update! She’s sleeping. (Shocker.)
Me: Wait, wait, wait. Are those tiny Shermans on her PJs?
Jenny: Those are tiny Shermans. We thought it might improve their relationship. I’ve got a bad feeling about this though…
New Guy: That’s a fist she’s making!
Me: Hit him with your best shot, Emma!
New Guy: Would we say Sherman should be wearing a WOOL-et proof vest? #punitentiary
Me: He is looking a bit sheepish. #NewGuyStartedIt
New Guy: Emma has been acting baaaah-dly around him.
Jenny: It was only a matter of time.
New Guy: Someone sent Sherman out to pasture.
Me: Emma is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Jenny: Wool done!
Hubs: Ewe guys are cracking me up. Some of these puns are shear genius.
New Guy: Winner, winner gyro dinner.
Me: I don’t mean to LAMB-ast you, but these jokes are getting baaaaad.
Hubs: Oh man, I ain’t got mutton. (Full disclosure, I almost made a veal joke before Katie reminded me veal comes from calves.)
New Guy: He better MOO-ve it. #RandomCowJoke
Me: He gets knocked down, but he gets up again. #RandomChumbawambaJoke
Me: Seriously guys? Crickets on the Chumbawamba reference? That was comedy gold!
New Guy: Sorry I missed it. I was too busy pissing the night away.
Aaaaaaaaaand scene. You know you wish you were in on this. If for no reason other than the unbearably cute baby pictures. What about you, Bookworms? Does your family get into any texting shenanigans?