I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For: Fun With Search Terms

July 18, 2013 Blogging, Search Terms, Top Ten Tuesday 43

Howdy Bookworms,

There’s a long tradition among bloggers of compiling their amusing search terms into posts. In case you’re my mom (Hi, Mom!) and don’t know what I mean by “search term,” I’ll tell you. WordPress allows me the luxury of seeing what terms people type into search engines (like google, or yahoo, Mom) that get them to my blog. I’m always tickled by the ways in which people arrive at my little corner of the internet. Since I threw off my blogging schedule by skipping Top Ten Tuesday this week (because I could not think of enough under-appreciated authors), I thought it might be fun to write up my own compilation. At almost a full year into this blogging adventure, I certainly can’t list EVERYTHING, but I’ll give you the highlights. My wayward internet searchers often fall into one of the following categories…

Sam’s So Skinny! A lot of people seem to be VERY concerned about the size of Samantha Barks’s waist. I wrote a post a while back discussing my unabashed admiration for Les Miserables starring Ms. Barks and her teeny tiny waist. She is a slender lady, but rest assured, people- she was wearing an industrial strength corset under those rags. The girl was supposed to look half starved. She looks about 2/3 starved to me, but you know. Hollywood.

Calm down, y'all. There was a corset involved.

Calm down: there was a corset!

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater: It appears that a lot of students are landing here because they don’t want to do their homework. Yep, search terms like “100 word synopsis on Oliver Twist” or “two essays on Little Red Riding Hood” or “symbolism in The Giver” come up pretty regularly. I’m onto you, kids! I know what you’re trying to get away with, and it’s not going to work! Your English teacher is NOT going to be pleased if you turn in a paper discussing how all the characters in The Fountainhead are douchebags. For the love of Pete! Read the books. Learn the things. I am old and already did MY homework. Now do yours! Grumble grumble grumble… And stay off my lawn, while you’re at it! 

My lawn really is glorious. That photo is no joke. Front yard, yo. (Thanks to Jim, of course.)

My lawn really is glorious. That photo is no joke. Front yard, yo. (Thanks to Hubs, of course. Hi Jim!)

Dirty Birdies: This is the internet after all. You didn’t think I’d get away without having some salacious searches, did you?  “Little Red Riding Hood porn” is disturbingly popular. “Gay centaur rape stories” came up once, which I can only hope landed that perv-a-saurus-rex on my review of the wonderful Song of AchillesThere, they would have learned about a beautiful love story that had plenty of homosexuality and ZERO centaur rape“Bubonic trauma whores” is still a bit of a mystery to me, but I figure all the foot fetish types that have come calling were attracted by my discussion of foot binding in Snow Flower and the Secret Fan

Welcome to the least sexy site on the internet!

Welcome to the least sexy site on the internet!

The Confused Christians:  It would seem that the internet is the place to go if you’re concerned that your immortal soul might be in danger. Searches that have landed people here have included things like “is it okay for Christians to read Harlequin romance novels,” “is Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret appropriate for Christian girls,” and my personal favorite, “Atwood hates Christians.” You really want MY opinion? Okey dokey. Every tween girl should read Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret regardless of religious affiliation. I think romance novels are harmless, but I don’t know how your church feels about books with explicit sexy times. If you’re really concerned, maybe talk to your pastor, because my only advice is read whatever the heck you want. Oh, and to whomever thinks Margaret Atwood hates Christians? I’m a huge fan of her work. I hope that if you were looking for ammunition to denounce her books, you found a boatload of Atwood love instead.

So my dear Bookworms. I’m desperately curious. To what do I owe your presence? Were you a wandering google-searcher? Anybody want to own up to “Bubonic Trauma Whores”?!

UPDATE: Bubonic Trauma Whores is a rock band that I am not cool enough or hip enough to have heard of. 

UPDATE Part 2: “Eaten by Orcs” was a search term today. Love. It.

43 Responses to “I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For: Fun With Search Terms”

  1. Wayne

    Usually my Google searches have a purpose. Not always a laudable one I admit but hey, I’m a guy. Fortunately, I’m way past having to do term papers on *The Scarlet Letter* or *Billy Budd* or some other Cliff’s Notes Classic. As an aside the publisher that bought Cliff’s Notes now offers The Manga Editions of dusty classics. That might have made my term paper research a hell of a lot more interesting. 😉

  2. becomingcliche

    I googled “Bubonic” hoping your blog would be the first entry. It looks like it’s a band. All the sad-face here.

    I, too, think every single girl should read “Margaret.”

    Thank you for setting up links to open in a new tab! I hate losing the original post when I click a link.

    • Words for Worms

      I should probably listen to that band now, but I’m set in my un-hip ways musically. I always set up my links to open in a new tab, because, like you, losing the original page drives me bananas!

  3. Rhian

    No wandering google searcher here. I found you via Lauren’s Filing Jointly, who I found via The Bloggess, who I found via John Scalzi’s Whatever, who I found because I’m a fan of his books. That’s the circle of life right there.

  4. lauratfrey

    This is great. The dirty ones are the funniest to me, because like you, the people who land on my blog are going to be super disappointed. So many people searching for The Fault in our Stars fanfic! No! Stop that! Oh, and I get something for Sleeping Beauty (the Anne Rice dirty version, not the Disney one) because I reviewed it… lot of people looking for the whole book… sorry guys…

    I just looked at the last week or so and someone searched for “Heart of darkeness ho yay.” Um.

  5. Kelly

    These are hilarious! I should go through my Blogger search terms, I haven’t in a while. I agree about the cheating, I feel like every other one on my list is basically “please write my AP English paper for me.”

    • Words for Worms

      Gosh I don’t even get AP students. I think I get middle school kids. Maybe they’ll see my warning and get scared straight! Or something LOL. Seriously. I already did my homework, guys!

  6. Rory

    I love this idea and might have to borrow it. I get fabulous search terms: puns, monkeys, prisons, sex. I think it’s the only really useful bit of stats.

  7. Leah

    These are fantastic! I have gotten a lot of people searching for Gilmore Girls related things – quotes, Rory’s boyfriends, etc. I think my favorite search term, though, was “nude women in beautiful places.” I can only imagine that they found my review of The Last Nude by Ellis Avery and were sorely disappointed.

    • Words for Worms

      It feels like a cruel joke of the internet that I’m proud to be in on. It’s like, “oh you wanted porn? No, I think you’ve had enough. READ A BOOK!”

  8. lostinliterature108

    It so funny that you ask that question! I have tried and tried to remember HOW I came across your blog. All I can remember is reading a quote from someone saying “Go there, right now, it’s that good”, or something like that, but I can’t remember if it was on facebook or on some other blog I found on Google. Anyway, I’m just glad I did. I only follow a handful of blogs and you totally make the cut!:)

    • Words for Worms

      Awwwww you’re making me blush :). I’m so pleased to have you. Every time I think of a Lost reference and debate whether or not to include it, I’m like, “Yes, put it in. Darlene will appreciate it!”

  9. Jennifer @ The Relentless Reader

    Blogger is so lame. I can’t see search terms. I need to switch don’t I? 🙂

    • Words for Worms

      Oh man, no search terms? That’s no fun! I’m currently too chicken to switch from wordpress.com to wordpress.org, so if you end up switching and don’t lose your marbles, let me know. And if you DO lose your marbles, tell me that too. I’ll send you some new ones :).

  10. well minded

    This is hilarious. I especially love the bit about the cheaters. If only we had the internet when I was in school. Whoop! Did I just say that? I’ve had my share of hilarious search terms, and then some disturbing ones. Like, really disturbing. Somehow just the right combo of words can be really wrong. I hate it when that happens.

  11. JoulesDellinger

    Hmmm…how did I find you? I think you stalked me and I liked the attention so I decided to stalk you back. 😉

    I just checked this week’s search terms and my favorite is: ” really had to pee” stuck traffic Hope that I helped them with that…?!

  12. Lauren@FilingJointly

    I think I have solved your ‘Bubonic Trauma Whore” mystery. You used all three words in April so they all show up in your April archives. In your favorite words and phrases Top Ten list you used the word ‘bubonic’ to describe PLAGUE, the word ‘trauma’ was in the Amity and Sorrow review and ‘whore’ was in your top ten heroine list. Trauma is also part of one of your tags (psychological trauma I think).

    You can thank my photographic memory for all of this information.

    (I was thinking about trying to get away with that last sentence for a minute and really impress people but I felt guilty…I really just googled all three words and your blog.)

  13. Charleen

    I have no recollection of how I stumbled across you. I DO remember that you were chiming in on Twitter when I was trying to decide if my blog name sounded too much like pr0n. But whether Twitter came before the blog or vice versa or what other blogger was our common link I don’t know.

  14. Sarah Says Read

    I’m jealous of your amusing search terms 🙂 LOL I never seem to have many funny ones.

    Seriously, I was freaked out by that girl’s tiny waist in Les Mis too. I knew it was a corset, but DAMN how is she breathing?? Ouch.

        • Words for Worms

          Maybe that’s it. Rib removal. I’ve heard of that. Of course, I’ve heard of that occurring for wildly inappropriate reasons having to do with middle school urban legends…

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