Literary Love Connection: Friend-Zoned

October 7, 2014 Literary Love Connection 36

Welcome, Bookworms!

I’m putting on my very best Chuck Woolery voice today so I can announce the newest feature here on Words for Worms. I’m going to start playing matchmaker with literary characters in a little game I’m calling Literary Love Connection. The concept is simple. Choose literary characters. Send them on a fake date. Watch sparks fly. Will we make a love connection?!

literaryloveconnectionToday’s Bachelor is Severus Snape from the Harry Potter Series by JK Rowling. Severus likes potions, sneering, and giving detentions. He spends his free time wallowing in self loathing and pining for The One That Got Away And Was Subsequently Murdered By His Boss.

Today’s Bachelorette is Éponine Thénardier from Les Misérables by Victor Hugo. Eponine enjoys long walks through Paris, crossdressing, and recreational stalking. She spends her free time wandering the city while singing songs of loss for The One That Got Away And Fell In Love With That Bitch Who Used To Live With Her Family.

The Date takes place in a quiet cafe in Paris.

Snape: You don’t eat much.

Éponine: My corset doesn’t allow for more than 3 mouthfuls of food a day. I thought you’d have been clued in by my alarmingly narrow waist.

Snape: Pfft. Muggles. You worry about food. I can brew glory and put a stopper in death!

Éponine: How are you with love potions?

Snape: Abysmal, unfortunately. Not that I ever tried one. After Lily married that filthy Potter, what was the point?

Éponine: I know what you mean! Here I am, on the streets, singing the best song in the musical version of my life, and Marius goes for that ninny Cosette. He should have seen her as a child. She looked AWFUL.

Snape: My indifference toward you seems to be waning. More wine?

Éponine: Yes, please. After dinner would you like to take a walk along the Seine? I can show you the spot where that cop offed himself.

Snape: I can think of nothing I’d like better.

snaponine

 

 Now that Snaponine is a thing, I am desperate to create more unholy unions. Chime in, Bookworms. Are there any literary characters you’d like to see set up on a date? 

*If you make a purchase through a link on this site, I will receive a small commission. I am also fully aware that both the fictional characters involved in this particular love connection are fictionally deceased.*

36 Responses to “Literary Love Connection: Friend-Zoned”

  1. Daddio

    Jamie McWhatever from Outlander and Arwen from LOTR
    BIBO Baggins (LOTR) and Professer Minerva McGonagall
    Great idea!

  2. Lisa G

    LOVE THIS! Laughed so hard at “My indifference toward you seems to be waning.” Because that’s JUST what he would say.

  3. Elizabeth

    Oh my god this is PURE. GENIUS. I can’t stop laughing!!!! Seriously – Snape and Eponine?! I can’t wait to see who else you have lined up!

  4. Heather

    This has made me giggle immensely! Seriously. I wouldn’t mind, however, seeing who you might match with OTHER characters from Outlander. Like Lord John perhaps… or possibly Dougal. There’s some interesting possibilities for both. 🙂

  5. Stephanie

    I’m so glad these two crazy kids might find some happiness… they deserve it! Is anyone on team Cossette? Anyone??
    King Arthur and Hester Prynne perhaps? I can see them getting along perhaps…

Talk to me, Bookworms!