Here Comes The Bride (Through an Archway of Machetes)

March 30, 2013 Blogging, Fairy Tales, Humor, Personal, Psychological 19

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today so I can make my case for being the Florist/Flower Girl for the online wedding of Lyssa of Psychobabble and Shirtless Ryan Gosling. I used to work in a flower shop, and while they only let me wash buckets and answer phones, I’m TOTALLY QUALIFIED to be an online wedding florist.

People always assume that all little girls get the opportunity to be a flower girl at some point in their lives. I’m here to tell you that THEY ARE WRONG. I was never a flower girl. It’s a travesty. Feast your eyes on 5-year-old me:

I was effing ADORABLE!

I was effing ADORABLE!

Obviously I’m not over this slight. I need this for my mental health and well being, damnit! Let’s begin. Lyssa and Ryan have chosen to have a jungle theme for their botanical elements. This is incredibly lucky, because what I really want to portray in this wedding is RAMPANT FECUNDITY. When couples marry, they are encouraged by society to, in the immortal words of Ross from Friends, “consummate like bunnies.” With this in mind, I have chosen antherium for Lyssa’s bouquet with an orchid boutonierre for Ryan.

Antherium are exceptionally phallic.

Antherium are exceptionally phallic. Oh, yes, Emily? Maid of Honor? You’ll be required to fan Lyssa with the bouquet once she passes it off to you.

And. Well. Orchids are pretty darn suggestive.

And. Well. Orchids are pretty darn suggestive.

In addition to the pornographic florals, I’ve decided to create an extra feature that will not only compliment the theme, but also protect the wedding party from Zombie attack. That’s right. The perimeter of the venue will be surrounded by tiger pits! I will have trenches dug, much in the way one would dig a moat. However, a moat would be USELESS because Zombies DON’T BREATHE and are therefore impervious to water barriers. The pits will be filled with bamboo spikes! Bamboo is the epitome of jungle-ness, and it’s also really sharp. Those spears will impale any marauding herds of the undead while allowing the guests to party unscathed. (There will be retractable walkways so no guests are accidentally impaled… Unless you get REALLY mad at your drunk uncle…)

Instead of tossing rice or blowing bubbles for Lyssa and Ryan’s grand exit, the guests will instead line up and create an archway for the couple to walk through with their party favors. You guessed it! The party favors are MACHETES! A necessity in both the jungle and the Zombie Apocalypse. I can guarantee there’s not a mason jar project on Pinterest that can compete with a freaking machete.

I’m not JUST the florist, remember? I’m also the flower girl, because the universe conspired against me and WASTED my childhood cuteness on ballet lessons. Ugh. Anyway. I’ve chosen the most SPECTACULAR dress, that fits the jungle theme perfectly:

The word you're looking for is "glorious."

The word you’re looking for is “glorious.” You’re also REALLY impressed with my sexy photoshop skills.

I implore you, dear readers, please leave a comment to let Lyssa know that I’m the right choice for all her flower needs! I’m a whirling dervish of flowers, tulle, and general bad-assery. Help me achieve my dreams!

This needs to happen. NEEDS TO!

This needs to happen. NEEDS TO!

Now, Shirtless Ryan Gosling, you may kiss the Flower Girl. Wait, I mean… No. I meant that. I really did.

19 Responses to “Here Comes The Bride (Through an Archway of Machetes)”

  1. Sarah

    Hi! New and devoted reader here 🙂 I found your blog through Filing Jointly and am loving it. You have planned the perfect wedding. And I’m all in favor of mature flower girls. Those little kids don’t throw the flowers right.

    • Words for Worms

      Oh I’m SO glad you’re here! Lauren is the greatest, isn’t she? And yes, I would obviously scatter petals much more effectively than a mere child.

  2. therelentlessreader

    I am speechless! Because of the laughter! I agree with you, that DOES need to happen and if she chooses anyone else it will be a tragedy! I want to get married again so that I can have you as my flower girl. For reals.

  3. Sarah Says Read

    “I can guarantee there’s not a mason jar project on Pinterest that can compete with a freaking machete.”

    See, this is why you rock. Katie for Flower Girl!!!

  4. Lyssapants

    Reblogged this on Psychobabble and commented:
    Katie from Words for Worms has applied to be my online florist and flower girl. She’s emotionally scarred and unbalanced and wants to pin a vagina to Shirtless Ryan Gosling’s bare chest. She’s craptastic!

Talk to me, Bookworms!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.