Don't They Know It's The End of the World?

December 21, 2012 Dystopian, Fantasy, Humor, Personal 21

Hi Bookworms! Today is “Doomsday.” People who have misinterpreted the Mayan calendar have decided that the world is supposed to end today. I’d really prefer the world not end. I have things planned for next week. Beyond that though, I’d do very very poorly in a post-apocalyptic world. I looooove dystopian novels, so I figured I’d explore how I’d perish early on in some of my favorites. Ready?

1. The Stand by Stephen King. It’s easy to assume that I’d die in the plague that kills 99% of the population, but I have a really impressive immune system. I may be jinxing myself here, but I haven’t needed an antibiotic since I was 16 and had my wisdom teeth removed. I get sick very infrequently. So. I think I’d survive Captain Tripps. One of my favorite parts of The Stand though was that King discussed the casualties that occurred AFTER the flu had run its course. I’d probably survive the flu only to succumb to something really stupid… Like getting a paper cut from a book and contracting a flesh eating bacteria. It would be my cosmic punishment for bragging about my immune system and how I don’t need antibiotics. I’d survive the virus to be taken out by a self important bacterium.

Good vs. Evil. Super Flu. Apocalypse.

Katie’s battle with the paper cut didn’t make the final draft.

2. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. If I were in Katniss’s shoes, I wouldn’t make it very far. I lack aim, archery skills, and knowledge of edible forest plants. The good news is, I probably wouldn’t need those skills. You know how at the very beginning of The Hunger Games the contestants stand on pedestals until the countdown is over and the games begin? If anyone has a “false start” their pedestal explodes. That would be me. Considering the alternatives in the arena, that’s probably not a bad way to go.



3. World War Z by Max Brooks. I shy away from physical violence, and I’m not especially strong. To be frank? I’m a weenie. I can’t even arm wrestle effectively. I’d be bitten very early on. But then? Then I’d be a zombie! Only, I’d make a terrible zombie! I’d be really really slow and unobservant. I’d be the zombie that they use in demonstrations to teach small children how to defend themselves. At least I’d be useful to humanity in some capacity. As the loser-iest zombie.

Zombie Katie!

Katie: The Loser-iest Zombie

4. Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell. Yes, I know this isn’t an “end of the world” scenario, but I being in the middle of a war zone is definitely an “end of the world as we know it” scenario. Scarlett was really annoying during peace time, but she kind of kicked butt during an emergency. She delivered babies and farmed cotton and still managed to keep up her unhealthy fixation on Ashley. If I were a character in Gone With The Wind, I would not be Scarlett. I’d be like her first husband, Charles Hamilton. He got sick and died before he even saw combat. That’d be me. I was always the one dying of dysentery in Oregon Trail. I know I have a great immune system, but I’ve never had to contend with dysentery, okay?

That's me.

That’s me.

5. I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. Technically, the villains in this book were vampires, not zombies. Why wouldn’t I make it? I am DELICIOUS. No, seriously. Blood sucking insects seek me out. If there is a mosquito within a mile radius, it will find me and feast. Once, I lived in an apartment and my upstairs neighbor managed to infest my apartment with fleas. Do you know what fleas like to eat when there aren’t animals readily available? KATIES! It was beyond miserable. This contributes to my pervasive and borderline obsessive fear of bed bugs. In case you were ever curious about the existence of vampires in the real world, the fact that I’ve yet to be eaten is definitive proof that they do not exist. I’d be vampire catnip. For reals.


It’s a good thing vamps aren’t real. They’d be seriously offended by this clip art.

There we have it. Five very specific reasons I would not survive any number of apocalypse scenarios. Like I said, it’s a good thing the world isn’t ending. I am going to celebrate by enjoying some of my favorite things: pizza, electricity, the internet, and my husband. Who will continue to have zero chance with Taylor Swift. Happy days, Bookworms. Happy days.

21 Responses to “Don't They Know It's The End of the World?”

  1. Charleen

    This is a great post.

    (Also, I saw the tags out of the corner of my eye, and I thought you’d tagged this post with dysentery. Turns out it was just dystopia.)

  2. Ashley F

    Great picks. Gone with the Wind is one of my fave books of all time. Hope the world doesn’t end and that you have a great Christmas!!

  3. Daddio

    Jane Eyre didn’t make the cut? That was as close to End of the World as I choose to read! 😉

  4. Sarah Says Read

    Obvs I need to read The Stand, cause it sounds fun. Except I usually avoid Stephen King b/c dude is scary and I’m a wuss. And I need to read World War Z too, cause that movie looks intense and I wanna see it.

    Have fun with the world not ending today!

  5. Rhian

    Have you read The Passage by Justin Cronin? I had to stop reading it at one point because it was so scary. Note though, it is the first in a trilogy.

  6. Jon Whiting

    Well, I am a little late on the draw on this post… We already know the world didn’t end. (At least not on schedule.) But I still enjoyed this post immensely, actually I probably enjoyed it a little more not having to read it in a post-apocalyptic scenario…

    When I first started looking looking at your blog I thought “Hmmm. Book reviews… How entertaining can that be?” Because to tell you the truth, I don’t read near as much as I use to and I am very out of touch with recent authors and books. More than that though I figured I would be pretty bored with reading someones dry opinions about books I’m never going to read.

    However, I am happy to say I was wrong. I have read several of your posts now and you are a thoroughly entertaining personality. I have enjoyed your blog immensely.

    With that said, I have only read one book on this list. The Stand. I’m 41 now, and I read The Stand when I was a teenager, I barely remember it… Much less being a teenager. But it doesn’t matter. It’s not necessary to have read, or even be planning to read the books to enjoy your writing.

    This post is hilarious. Thank-you for the smile I wore while reading it. It was a very nice Christmas gift. I hope to return the gift of a smile by telling you how entertained I have been with your page. So, congratulations to you and the rest of the world for not having to try out our survival skills during Armageddon, And I wish you a very merry Christmas.

    I may not always comment, (lucky for you… As you can see, once I start I never shut-up…) But I will be reading along with you, and you will hear from me again I’m sure…

  7. Natalie

    Oh my, I love your list! As much as I’d like to think I’m Katniss when I read the book (talk about a character you want to relate to!), I don’t possess any of the skills she has. And I really don’t think baking would save me from President Snow. My favorite post-apocalyptic read is A Canticle for Liebowitz by Walter M. Miller, Jr. The Latin is a bit hard at times (check out the reference guide in the back), but it really makes you think!

  8. Quirky Chrissy

    Love you. I would try really hard to make it to Peoria to keep you safe. Just you know…steer clear of anything that could be dangerous. Want to borrow my bubble wrap?

  9. Bonnie @ For the Love of Words

    Being a lover of end of world novels, I really do need to find the time to read The Stand. The size is just so daunting! (Same goes for Gone with the Wind).

Talk to me, Bookworms!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.