I’m a terrible cook. Okay, that’s not entirely true, but it sure as heck does not come naturally to me. I’m two left feet and all thumbs in the kitchen. The minute I try to stray from a recipe or improvise a little, everything goes to pot. And sometimes the pot goes into the trash because I’ve burned something onto it and it won’t come off.
Last year I made Thanksgiving dinner and by some miracle, I pulled it off. No, I didn’t make any elaborate Food Network meal, but I made a turkey. I made gravy. I did up the side dishes. Nobody got salmonella. Victory!
This was technically my practice turkey, but the Thanksgiving one turned out similar. It may not have a suntan, but that was a juicy bird. Proof that if I pay close attention, I don’t ALWAYS ruin food.
I’m cooking again this year, but I’m beginning to a get a little nervous. I mean, I’m thrilled that my family is making the trip to have dinner at the Gingerbread House, but… Last week I destroyed a pan of rice crispy treats. Who does that?! I mean, seriously, who can’t melt marshmallows and butter and stir in cereal? Me, apparently. Those suckers came out hard as a rock.
Jim likes nothing so much as teasing me about my kitchen ineptitude. His reaction to my failed dessert? “Call my mom.” My mother-in-law is a fabulous cook. (And wonderfully encouraging when I ruin things!) She’s not afraid to step outside the recipe! Do you know why her rice crispy treats are so delicious? Double up on marshmallows! Ooey gooey delicious. My second batch? Perfection. It’s not just the rice crispy treats though.
Not only would it crack your jaw, it came out of the pan in one giant lump!
Katie’s Top Five Cooking Fails:
- Served Chrissy nearly raw chicken by accident. (I thought the frozen chicken breasts were pre-cooked or something and that a jaunt in the microwave was all they needed. I don’t know. I was like 18. I’m so glad I didn’t kill you, Chrissy!)
- Attempted fudge. Made fudge sauce, because I didn’t measure the evaporated milk. Jim ate it with spoon while mocking me.
- Attempted caramels. Twice. First, I used too much whipping cream and ended up with a buttery caramel sauce. Second? Pull your fillings out, rock hard, caramel flavored cement. Eventually? I got it, thanks to a tutorial from Aunt Sue, a recipe revision, and a digital candy thermometer.
- Taffy Apple Salad. Epic Fail. Egg in the sauce? WTF? Resulted in a huge mess in the kitchen and a Waldorf salad from my local deli. Jim brings this up EVERY TIME I screw up in the kitchen. Weasels have disturbingly long memories.
- Destroyed a batch of beer cheese soup by burning the garlic and stubbornly carrying on with the recipe instead of admitting defeat. It. Was. Awful.
Baking soda is for the casually bad cook. We keep the kitchen stocked with fire extinguishers. Safety first. Shame second.
Seriously, anybody with cooking karma to spare, send it my way. I beg of you. I need to stop being on the brink of kitchen disaster at all times. Yes, I know. Practice is the only way to learn. Yes, I’ve learned how to make rice crispy treats, fudge, and caramel from my mistakes. I now know better than to be a purveyor of food poisoning. But I hate having to make mistakes to learn things! Sigh. My kitchen journey was not meant to be an easy one.
And so I persist… With many, many takeout options on speed dial… Just in case.
Chris@thedeadauthorsclub
I highly recommend that you meet Mark Bittman. His How To Cook Everything – The Basics is like taking a cooking course in your own kitchen. I’m in the process of teaching my 16 year old daughter to cook & it has been invaluable.
Words for Worms
Thanks for the recommendation. I fall somewhere between being insulted when someone tries to explain scrambled eggs to me and being confused by anything that doesn’t involve a can of cream of chicken condensed soup… Hopefully this will help!
Chris@thedeadauthorsclub
I think the most important thing about cooking is to have a solid grounding in basic techniques. I do think that a lot of people like to say that cooking is really “easy” and once you know how to do it, it is easy. But before you know how to do it, it isn’t easy. It is a complicated amalgam of chemistry, technique, and timing.
I also think that it is unfortunate that families neglect teaching a lot of basic skills to kids. We have so many fancy gadgets and labor-saving devices that the idea that we need to teach our sons & daughters to do laundry seems so old school. But having good household skills is critical to living a pleasant life when mom (or dad) isn’t there to fold your shirts for you, or clean your shower door, or change the furnace filter. My mom never taught me to cook, even though she is an awesome cook. I just muddled my way through. I’m trying hard not to repeat that history with both my kids (boy & girl).
Words for Worms
I gotta give my parents credit, my Dad DID offer to teach me to cook. My mom is capable of cooking, she just doesn’t like to and my dad does, so he’s the household chef. I was just stubborn and lazy and wanted to sit in my room watching MTV for hours. I’m totally adept at laundry and most other household chores. (Toilet scrubbing champ, right here- hard water stains? I own that.)
justagirlslist
His book is the best reference for simple, basic, but really tasty cooking. I used to rely on an old Better Homes & Garden cookbook, but it’s Bittman all the way now!
My most epic fail in the kitchen? Decided to make crab cakes from scratch, using olive oil to fry them (trying to be healthy, you know!). It turns out olive oil has a low smoke point, so my entire two-story home filled with thick grey smoke and I had to go to the Immediate Care clinic for a breathing treatment because I was wheezing so badly! I was sure I had somehow burned the lining of my lungs! It took three days for the smoke smell to clear out, and it took years before I got up the nerve to try frying anything again. 🙂
You are so not alone!
didibooksenglish
My tip for a succulent turkey is baste, baste, baste baby! You’ll be fine. It’s in making mistakes we learn to cook and bake better. It also helps to watch some great cooking shows on BBC Prime. that’s would turned my cooking around. I learned a lot of little tips and tricks. Good luck! 🙂
Words for Worms
LOL thanks. Actually, my turkey is a moist wonder- I keep the lid on the roaster pan in the oven and it doesn’t dry out. I’d watch cooking shows, but I’m really lazy. I’d rather eat it than make it. Sigh. Self improvement.
didibooksenglish
The ones on BBC Prime are really cool!! Give them a try.
Rachel
Lets take a cooking class together!
Words for Worms
I’m sorry dear, are you keen to see me singe my eyebrows off? Seriously though… Have you seen a local one? If we did that, you could tell Scott that it’s his wedding gift and get out of buying him an actual present… He likes eating, he’d probably be good with it.
Ashley F
I’m like a recipe NINJA and can follow really complex stuff. Not so good at winging it on my own.
Words for Worms
I’m impressed. I am capable of reading, as my blog will attest, but I always have questions about recipes. How roiling is roiling? Telling me “or until it’s done” is not clear enough, okay? I suck.
Ashley F
My mom’s a recipe fanatic. It’s in my DNA, she has a huge Accordion file organizer thingy with all her recipes.
Lyssapants
Yeah, I don’t like to cook and I am not good at it, so I don’t even try. If I don’t try, then I can’t fail. WINNING!
Words for Worms
Does Brian cook, or are you more the “let’s order Chinese food” types?
Lyssapants
Brian cooks. He’s really good at it and he likes it. I wash dishes. So it all works out!
Ashley Walton
I’ve had plenty of practice cooking, and yet I’m also a kitchen klutz (I’m actually just a klutz in general, but I digress). It’s an extremely rare occasion when I make it through cooking a meal without somehow injuring myself with a knife or a hot pan… and I cook every day. I have yet to seriously injure myself, mostly to my husband’s credit (he keeps an eye on me). But the point is, I feel your kitchen klutz pain (literally).
Words for Worms
I slice a small chunk out of my finger (and my dignity) every time I cut up a watermelon. Glad I’m not alone!
Adam S
I love the list of fails!! Mine is much longer than yours though, so don’t look at me for any excess cooking karma. My last epic failure was a near grease fire explosion. I was going to bbq hamburgers recently, but it started to rain so, I decided to fry them up instead. It went something like this:
1.) “Shit, the meat still isn’t thawed yet — ok, defrost in microwave”
2.) “Why is this not thawing in the microwave?”
3.) Turn on pan to “high heat”
4.) Continue to defrost for next fifteen minutes in microwave
5.) Frantically make patties
6.) Pour oil on hot pan so that black smoke fills kitchen and bedrooms
7.) Open windows, turn on fans, & wave towel at the smoke detector
8.) Put out grease pan fire with cold water.
9.) Repeat step #7
I eat a lot of pizza.
Words for Worms
OMG I am cracking up! Seriously, Adam this makes me feel so much better. When I was about 15 I set off the smoke detector at a slumber party because I put a frozen pizza in the oven… On the cardboard. It rolled up like a taco. So. Don’t do that. FYI. You have fire extinguishers, right? 🙂
Adam S
I’m jotting that tip down in my notebook right now…I have lots of fire extinguishers now!
justagirlslist
His book is the best reference for simple, basic, but really tasty cooking. I used to rely on an old Better Homes & Garden cookbook, but it’s Bittman all the way now!
My most epic fail in the kitchen? Decided to make crab cakes from scratch, using olive oil to fry them (trying to be healthy, you know!). It turns out olive oil has a low smoke point, so my entire two-story home filled with thick grey smoke and I had to go to the Immediate Care clinic for a breathing treatment because I was wheezing so badly! I was sure I had somehow burned the lining of my lungs! It took three days for the smoke smell to clear out, and it took years before I got up the nerve to try frying anything again. 🙂
You are so not alone!
Words for Worms
Oh man, that sucks! So far none of my cooking fails have required medical attention!
Leah
I’m a terrible cook as well. I’ve been known to mess up both boxed Mac ‘n Cheese and mashed potatoes. (To be fair, both of those were in high school). My worst cooking failure, though, was not realizing that dry red beans need to be soaked for like a day before you can cook and eat them. WORST batch of red beans and rice ever!
At least our kitchen failures will make us better cooks in the long run 🙂
Words for Worms
Oh no! See I wouldn’t have even tackled red beans. I’d have bought a package of Zattarain’s instant what-have-you. Kitchen failures are character building. Things to remember! 🙂
Heather Christena Schmidt
I just can’t hack the mallow squares … I’m trying again later this week and know it will be a total disaster.
Words for Worms
Small box of rice crispies, two bags mini marshmallows, 3/4 stick of butter. Way worse for you, but won’t break expensive dental work! 🙂
Erica
I think I may have to write a cookbook; Jorge HAS been asking me for years to write my concoctions into recipes. Looks like poor saps like you–my Katica–need me. 😉 Wink, Wink.
Words for Worms
You say that as though I don’t already own like ten thousand cookbooks…
Erica
Fair enough…but none by the amazing Erica. Plus then you could promote it for me in your blog. 😉
Words for Worms
You should call it Recipes by Tennyson and corner the nerd market. You were an adept cook in high school, I imagine that’s only gotten better. The tamale photos make me hungry.